Everything is shit.
It's been way over a year since I lost my reason and motivation to draw. My light and my inspiration. Best friends and soul mates went their own ways, I went mine. My life was demolished.
We had a project of drawing the world, coloring it with the greatest of colors. I can't believe it will be unfinished now. This is as far as it goes with our canvas.
Ever since I've felt like a student sitting in class waiting for the teacher to give me an assignment, but I've been sitting here for a year and the teacher hasn't said a word. They're just staring. Waiting. Pushing me forward when I have no idea where to go. No one to go with. I can't even begin to think of the answers when I don't have the questions.
This path is something I created with the people that are not present in my life anymore, it's not something the friends who've stuck with me are able to accompany me with thought I've tried. (I'm eternally thankful to them, thankful for them.) Am I supposed to abandon this path now that I cannot walk it all by myself? What am I supposed to do next? I'm lost.
My heart is broken and there are so many blank empty spaces left in my existence. For example on this silent Sunday morning I find I'm nothing today.
I want to scream. I want to cut off my hands and make a memorial statue out of them and attach a golden plate saying This is more artistic than these two ever accomplished attached. I've turned myself into something toxic, I keep corroding away my own will to move on. I keep telling myself how good everything was back then and then force myself to move forward on this road that leads nowhere.
All this time I should've told myself I can find something better. And instead of going back or going forward I should've climbed up and - I don't know - built a space rocket and flown to the moon?
I draw for work because that's different. I'm like a machine.
But my heart is shattered in pieces. Still even after a year.
I'm tired, exhausted, but also so full of pent up frustration and suffocated energy. I want to do this! I want to do this right!
I can't get a hold of what it is - I'd love to draw but there is no reason to. There's no reason to be proud, to be exited, to be happy, to feel accomplishment.
I draw to fill in the gaps, to pass the time, out of routine.
But I also know better than to dwell in this. Take the positive out of every little moment. Squeeze it out till the last drop, thirsty for every little smile and word of encouragement. I know not to use the pent up energy against myself but instead make use of it.
Shit journal posts should never end with a negative note. We're all fighters and negativity is corrosive bullshit. Keep drawing, keep breathing, keep going on. It's gonna get better. Better than before. I just need to write this to get it out there and get over this feeling. Let at least someone know that whether I smile or cry I'm fighting it back. I'm struggling but I'm fighting back.
Thank you friends on dA. There are amazing people here who've kept in contact with me, told stories about your OCs, written notes, drawn gifts. You know who you are. Thank you for every single word you've said. Every single llama you've sent. Every favorite, every watch. It makes me feel like somewhere out there is a reason that will get me drawing again with a full happy heart.
On this silent Sunday morning I find I'll be able to find something better one day!
STAY STRONG MY FRIENDS! And have the nicest of days, as will I!